new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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