my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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