For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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