That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dignity is for republicans.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
