girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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