Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
