I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
