Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
