she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
