I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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