Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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