Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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