Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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