wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
pray to the hookup gods
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
