you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
