His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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