Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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