Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
