You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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