Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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