I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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