OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
