So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
