My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
