the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
