I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
