I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.