We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
