And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
