This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
