My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
