splinters make it hard to masturbate
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drunk is a universal language darling
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
