I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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