I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
