I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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