You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
