Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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