I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
