Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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