I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
