Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
