He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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