my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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