my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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