You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
