My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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