I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
