can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
