I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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