You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
