I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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