in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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