My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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