I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
