I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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