Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize