i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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