I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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