she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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