Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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